Is Perfectionism About Excellence? Or Is It Really About Safety?

30 Jan

If someone asked you to describe yourself, would "perfectionist" be somewhere on that list?

Maybe you'd say it with a slightly apologetic laugh, like it's both a strength and a confession. Or maybe you'd frame it more positively: "I just have high standards."

But here's the question that deserves a real answer: Is your perfectionism actually about wanting excellence? Or is it about something deeper, something that has nothing to do with quality and everything to do with fear?

The Story We Tell Ourselves

Perfectionism gets excellent PR. It masquerades as ambition, dedication, a commitment to quality. We live in a culture that celebrates "going the extra mile," "leaving no stone unturned," "giving 110%."

So when someone calls you a perfectionist, it doesn't always feel like an insult. It can feel like recognition. Validation. Proof that you care more than other people.

But if you're honest, if you really look beneath the surface, perfectionism doesn't feel like excellence at all.

It feels like pressure. Like a voice in your head that won't shut up. Like the gnawing certainty that if you get this wrong, something terrible will happen.

That's not excellence. That's fear.

What Perfectionism Is Really Protecting You From

Let's be clear: wanting to do something well is healthy. Taking pride in your work, caring about the details, striving to improve, those are all positive things.

But perfectionism? That's different.

Perfectionism isn't about doing your best. It's about avoiding the unbearable feeling that comes with being less than perfect.

And what is that unbearable feeling?

Rejection. Judgment. Criticism. Shame. Being seen as not good enough.

Not being safe.

At its core, perfectionism is a survival strategy. It's your nervous system's way of saying: "If I can just get this exactly right, I'll be safe. I'll be accepted. I'll be loved. I won't be rejected, criticised, or abandoned."

You might not think about it in those terms. You might just notice the constant drive to revise, tweak, perfect. The inability to submit something until it's flawless. The crushing disappointment when you make even the smallest mistake.

But underneath all of that? There's a belief that your worth, your safety, your belonging in the world is conditional.

And the condition is perfection.

Where It All Began

For most people, perfectionism didn't just appear out of nowhere. It was learned. Often early, often quietly, often in an environment where love felt conditional.

Maybe you grew up in a home where nothing was ever quite good enough. Where praise was rare but criticism came easily. Where you learned that the way to stay safe, to earn approval, to keep the peace, was to be exceptional.

Or maybe it was more subtle. Maybe your parents were loving but had impossibly high standards. Maybe you watched a sibling get torn apart for a mistake and learned to avoid that pain at all costs. Maybe you were praised so heavily for achievements that you started to believe that's where your value lived.

Either way, the message sank in deep: Be perfect, stay safe. Make a mistake, lose everything.

Your brilliant, adaptive brain took note. And perfectionism became your armour.

The Hidden Costs

Here's what perfectionism actually costs you, though it promises safety and belonging:

It steals your peace. You're never done. Never satisfied. Always scanning for what you missed, what you could have done better, what might go wrong.

It drains your energy. Every task becomes monumental because it has to be flawless. The mental load is exhausting.

It kills your creativity. You can't explore, experiment, or take risks when everything has to be perfect the first time.

It damages your relationships. Either you hold others to impossible standards too, or you hide your struggles and never let anyone see the real you.

It keeps you stuck. Perfectionism and procrastination are best friends. If it can't be perfect, why start at all?

And perhaps most painfully: It robs you of your sense of self. When your worth is tied to flawless performance, who are you when you're just... being? When you're resting, playing, making mistakes, being human?

The Safety You're Really Seeking

Here's the truth perfectionism doesn't want you to know: The safety you're chasing through perfection doesn't exist.

You can work yourself to the bone. You can achieve everything on your list. You can get the promotion, the praise, the perfect outcome.

And you still won't feel safe.

Because perfectionism isn't about the external result. It's about the internal belief that you're only acceptable when you're flawless.

And as long as that belief runs the show, no amount of achievement will ever be enough.

Real safety, the kind that actually lets you breathe, doesn't come from being perfect. It comes from knowing you're enough, even when you're not.

It comes from believing that you belong in the world not because of what you produce, but because you exist.

It comes from healing the part of you that learned, way back when, that love and acceptance were conditional.

What If It's Not About Excellence At All?

So let's come back to the original question: Is your perfectionism about wanting to do excellent work? Or is it about trying to earn safety, acceptance, and love through flawless performance?

If it were really about excellence, you'd be able to:

Submit something that's good enough, even if it's not perfect
Make a mistake without it destroying your sense of self-worth
Receive feedback without feeling like you're being attacked
Rest without feeling guilty or anxious
Celebrate your wins instead of immediately scanning for what's next

But if it's about safety, which it usually is, then none of those things feel possible. Because the stakes feel too high.

And that's the telltale sign. When the thought of making a mistake feels not just disappointing, but dangerous, that's when you know this isn't about standards. It's about survival.

A Different Kind of Safety

The journey away from perfectionism isn't about lowering your standards or settling for mediocrity. It's about building a different kind of safety, one that doesn't depend on being flawless.

It's about learning, often for the first time, that:

You are allowed to make mistakes and still be worthy
Your value doesn't fluctuate based on your performance
People can love and accept the imperfect, messy, real version of you
Safety doesn't come from control; it comes from knowing you can handle things even when they don't go perfectly

This is deep work. It's not something you can think your way out of. Because perfectionism isn't stored in your thoughts, it's stored in your nervous system, in the part of your brain that learned long ago that imperfection equals danger.

That's why approaches like IEMT and Hypnotherapy can be so powerful. They work directly with those old beliefs, those survival patterns that are running beneath your conscious awareness. They help your nervous system learn a new truth: You are safe, even when you're imperfect.

The Freedom on the Other Side

Imagine what it would feel like to create something without the constant weight of perfection breathing down your neck.

To try something new without the terror of getting it wrong.

To rest without guilt.

To be seen, really seen, imperfections and all, and to know you're still accepted.

That's not giving up on quality. That's giving up on the exhausting, impossible standard that was never really about excellence in the first place.

That's freedom.

Where Do You Go From Here?

If perfectionism has been running your life, it makes sense. It was trying to keep you safe in the only way it knew how.

But you don't need that kind of protection anymore. You're not that child who had to be perfect to be loved.

You're an adult now. And you get to choose.

You can keep chasing the impossible standard, hoping that one day you'll finally feel good enough.

Or you can start the deeper work of believing you already are.

Not because you've achieved perfection. But because you never needed to.

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