Triggered: Why Your Reaction Doesn’t Match The Moment

Are you doing the Yap Challenge? Have you prepared for your Netflix documentary yet? Perhaps you’ve been too busy compiling a list of things that are worth every penny, deciding whether to get a bob or informing Instagram that something is kinda chic.

Or perhaps you’ve watched some of these things appear on your feed for the 847th time and felt an entirely disproportionate urge to throw your phone into the sea.

Triggered.

Except… probably not.

Annoyed? Yes. Irritated? Quite possibly. Experiencing second hand embarrassment so intense you’ve had to look away from the screen? Absolutely. But triggered?

We’ve become very fond of that word. Someone disagrees with us and we’re triggered. A trend gets on our nerves and we’re triggered. Something makes us cringe and we’re triggered. But being triggered isn’t the same as being annoyed, offended, uncomfortable or simply having had quite enough of Instagram for one day.

Sometimes your nervous system isn’t revealing a deeply buried wound. Sometimes you’ve just had enough of the Yap Challenge.

So What Does Being Triggered Actually Mean?

A trigger is something happening now that activates an emotional response learned then. And the trigger itself can seem ridiculously small.

The particular rhythm of somebody's keys in the door and knowing already what kind of evening this is going to be.

A door that closes too quietly. Not slammed. Quietly.

"Can I have a quick word?"

Someone standing slightly too close behind you while you're at the sink.

A raised voice two gardens away that has nothing to do with you at all.

The silence of somebody deciding not to say something.

Being shown unexpected kindness.

A smell you couldn't name, although your stomach identified it instantly.

You might even be thinking, why on earth am I reacting like this? Because consciously, you know you're okay. Your body apparently has other ideas.

What Just Happened in My Brain?

Your brain seems to work by constantly using previous experience to predict what might happen next.

If something was frightening, painful, humiliating or overwhelming, your brain learns from it. It appears to record not just what happened, but everything that was around it at the time.

So when something in the present resembles an old danger, your threat system can react before you've had time to establish whether you're actually in danger now. Your heart races. Your stomach drops. Your chest tightens. You feel hot, shaky, sick, panicky, angry or desperate to get away. Then the rational part of you arrives saying, This is ridiculous. I KNOW I’m safe. And that’s one of the most frustrating things about genuine triggers. You can know you’re safe without feeling safe.

This is also why triggers don’t always make sense from the outside. A physical sensation isn’t necessarily dangerous but if you’ve previously experienced a frightening panic attack, that first flutter in your chest can be enough for your brain to go, Oh no. Here we go again.

The Present Never Quite Gets a Fair Hearing

‍Here's the part that costs the most and often the most overlooked.

‍Your partner asks where you've been and gets an answer pitched at somebody else entirely. Someone who asked that question years ago and meant something very different by it. Your partner can feel the size of the response. He just can't work out what he's done.

‍Your manager says she needs a quick word and you spend the whole walk to her office preparing your defence. She wants to talk to you about the parking.

‍Your daughter knocks a glass over and you hear a tone come out of your mouth that you had promised yourself, specifically and repeatedly, would never come out of your mouth.

‍None of these people were there. They are being assessed on evidence gathered long before they met you. And they have no idea they're being assessed at all.

‍That's the real cost, not the moment itself. The slow accumulation of a life where the present keeps getting checked against the past, and cleared for danger, before you get to experience any of it.

‍If You're Constantly Triggered

‍If it feels like you're constantly being triggered, that's worth paying attention to. Not because you're "too sensitive" but because a nervous system that's repeatedly sounding the alarm doesn't get much opportunity to stand down.

‍You might find yourself constantly scanning people's faces, tone of voice, messages or behaviour. Replaying conversations. Needing reassurance. Overthinking what might happen next or feeling permanently braced for something you can't quite name.

And eventually, the fear of being triggered can become as limiting as the trigger itself. That's when anticipatory anxiety creeps in.

What if it happens again?

‍What if I panic?

‍What if I can't cope?

What if they leave?

‍What if I lose control?

So you start avoiding. And every time avoidance brings relief, your brain gets another little piece of evidence that avoiding the situation kept you safe. Before long, you aren't simply responding to triggers. You're organising your life around preventing them. That's when I'd recommend getting professional help.

‍Particularly if your reactions are affecting your relationships, work, sleep, confidence or social life. If you're avoiding things you used to do. If you're relying increasingly on reassurance or other safety behaviours. Or if you understand perfectly well that you're safe but your body simply doesn't believe you. You don't need to wait until your world has become tiny before asking for help.

‍Why Can't I Just Talk Myself Out of It?

‍Because the problem isn't necessarily a lack of understanding. Most people I work with are actually incredibly good at understanding themselves. They'll tell me ‘I know where this comes from’.

‍I know my partner isn't my ex.

‍I know I'm not in danger.

I know this doesn't make sense

And yet the feeling is still there. But knowing why you react doesn't automatically change the emotional response underneath it.

Changing the Response, Not Just Coping With It

‍This is why my work doesn't stop at teaching you how to calm yourself down when you're triggered.

IEMT is useful when a memory, feeling or emotional state still carries a strong charge. Rather than endlessly retelling the story, we're interested in how that experience is being represented internally now, and in changing the emotional intensity attached to it.

Hypnotherapy gives us another route. When conscious reasoning keeps saying I'm fine while another part of you is screaming absolutely not, we can work with the automatic associations and expectations operating outside that everyday analytical thinking.

And then there's identity-level work. Because sometimes a trigger has become connected to something deeper than ‘that frightened me’. It has become:

I'm not safe.

‍I’m not good enough.

‍People leave me.

‍ I can't cope.

‍ I'm weak.

Those aren't simply thoughts. They can become part of the way you experience yourself. Which is why the most important question usually isn't: How do I cope better when I'm triggered? It's why does my system still believe it needs to react this way? And what would happen if we changed that?

‍What Changes

Most people don’t notice it changing. They notice afterwards. Something happens that would have flattened you a month ago, and its only later, driving home or halfway through making the dinner, that you realise it didn’t.

‍Somebody asks for a quick word and it's just a quick word. Your partner asks a question and gets an answer that belongs to them. The tone you swore you'd never use stays where it is. Not because you've got better at overriding it.

Because it stopped firing.

‍Triggered?

‍So yes, sometimes we're triggered. Sometimes we're annoyed. Sometimes we're offended, uncomfortable or experiencing industrial strength second hand embarrassment. And sometimes we've just been on Instagram too long.

‍But if your reaction feels bigger than the moment, if you know logically you're safe but your body doesn't seem to agree or you're beginning to organise your life around avoiding that feeling, don't dismiss it as you being ridiculous or overly sensitive. Get curious about it. Because your reaction may make much more sense than you think.

‍And once we understand what your brain is still trying to protect you from, we can begin teaching it that then isn't now.

‍ So, If you're tired of anticipating and avoiding, book a free consultation at Still Mind Therapies. Let's work on what's keeping the alarm going, so you can get back to living your life rather than organising it around what might set you off.