The People Pleaser's Paradox: Why Everyone Loves You and Nobody Knows You
You know that thing you do where someone asks you for something and before your brain has even processed the request, your mouth is already saying "Of course! No problem! Happy to help!"
And then 30 seconds later you're standing there thinking, "Wait... why did I just agree to that? I don't even WANT to do that. I'm already exhausted. Why can't I just say no?"
However, it's not about being "too nice." It's not about having poor boundaries, though that's a symptom. And it's definitely not about lacking assertiveness skills.
People-pleasing is a trauma response.
Specifically, it's called the fawn response and your nervous system has been running this program in the background for years, possibly decades, without you even knowing it had a name.
Let me explain.
Fight, Flight, Freeze... and Fawn
You've probably heard of fight, flight, or freeze. These are your nervous system's survival responses when it detects danger.
Fight: Get angry, defend yourself, push back
Flight: Run away, avoid, escape
Freeze: Shut down, go numb, play dead
But there's a fourth response that doesn't get talked about nearly enough:
Fawn: Appease, please, become whatever the other person needs you to be so they don't hurt you.
If you grew up in an environment where fighting back wasn't safe, running away wasn't an option, and freezing got you in more trouble... your nervous system learned a fourth survival strategy:
Make yourself useful. Make yourself pleasant. Make yourself indispensable. Become so helpful, so agreeable, so easy to deal with that you're not a threat.
Because if you're not a threat, maybe you're safe.
When Being "Good" Becomes Your Survival Strategy
Think about it. If you were a child in a home where:
A parent's mood could turn on a whim
Conflict meant emotional or physical danger
Your needs were ignored or punished
Love felt conditional on your behaviour
You had to manage other people's emotions to keep the peace
...you learned very quickly that your safety depended on keeping other people happy.
You became the good child. The helpful one. The one who didn't cause problems. The one who could read a room and adjust accordingly.
And it worked! It kept you safe, enough. It got you approval, sometimes. It made you valuable, conditionally.
The problem? That survival strategy is still running... even though you're not a child anymore and you're not in danger.
The Exhaustion of People Pleasing
Here's what people-pleasing actually looks like in adulthood:
Saying yes when you mean no
Over explaining, over apologising, over-functioning
Feeling responsible for other people's feelings
Anticipating what others need before they ask
Struggling to make decisions (What if I pick wrong and disappoint someone?)
Feeling guilty when you prioritize yourself
Anxiety when someone is upset with you (even if you did nothing wrong)
Resentment building up because you're constantly giving but rarely receiving
Losing yourself in relationships because you become whoever they need
Attracting people who take, take, take (because you give, give, give)
You're not weak. You're not a doormat. You're not "too nice."
Your nervous system is stuck in survival mode.
Why "Just Set Boundaries" Doesn't Work
If you've ever googled "how to stop people pleasing," you've probably been told to:
"Just say no"
"Set clear boundaries"
"Put yourself first"
"Stop caring what people think"
"Be more assertive"
Great advice! Except when you try it, your nervous system freaks out.
Because to your nervous system, saying no = danger.
Disappointing someone = threat.
Putting yourself first = selfish = bad = unsafe.
You're not lacking skills or willpower. You're stuck in a nervous system loop that equates your safety with other people's approval.
So when you try to set a boundary, your body floods with anxiety. Your brain screams, "Abort! Abort! This is dangerous!"
And you cave. Again.
Then you beat yourself up for it.
The Hidden Cost Nobody Talks About
Here's the really painful part about people pleasing that doesn't get said enough:
When you're constantly shape-shifting to meet everyone else's needs, nobody actually knows who you are.
Including you.
You've spent so long being what others need that you've lost touch with:
What you actually want
What you actually feel
What you actually need
Who you actually are
Relationships feel hollow because you're not really IN them. You're performing. Managing. Anticipating. Adapting.
But you're not showing up as yourself because showing up as yourself has never felt safe.
And that? That's the trauma.
The Pattern Didn't Start With You
People pleasing doesn't develop in a vacuum. It develops in response to relational environments where:
Your needs were consistently dismissed
Your boundaries were violated
Your emotions were too much or not allowed
Love was conditional on your compliance
Conflict was dangerous
Your job was to manage other people's emotions
Maybe it was:
A parent who needed you to be their emotional support
A chaotic household where you became the peacekeeper
A critical environment where nothing you did was good enough
An unpredictable caregiver whose moods you had to navigate
Emotional neglect disguised as "I'm fine" and "Don't cause problems"
You learned to fawn because it kept you safe. It made you valuable. It earned you scraps of love and approval.
But now? Now it's keeping you stuck, exhausted, and disconnected from yourself.
What Healing Actually Looks Like
Here's the thing about healing people pleasing: it's not about "just saying no more."
It's about helping your nervous system understand that you're not in danger anymore.
That means:
1. Recognizing the fawn response when it's happening
Notice when you're auto-agreeing, over-explaining, or anxiety-scanning the room for approval. That's your cue that the fawn response is activated.
2. Understanding it's not your fault
This isn't a character flaw. It's an adaptation. Your nervous system did what it had to do to keep you safe. Honour that. Then gently teach it that you don't need that strategy anymore.
3. Creating safety in your body
Before you can set boundaries in the world, you need to feel safe inside yourself. That's where approaches like IEMT, hypnotherapy and nervous system regulation becomes crucial.
4. Practicing tiny micro-boundaries
Not "tell your boss off" boundaries. Start with:
"Let me think about it and get back to you"
"That doesn't work for me"
Not immediately texting back
Ordering what YOU want at a restaurant
Let your nervous system learn: I can express a preference and I'm still safe.
5. Grieving what you didn't get
You shouldn't have had to earn love by being convenient. You shouldn't have had to manage other people's emotions. You deserved to be seen, valued, and safe just as you were.
That grief is real. Let yourself feel it.
The Relationship Test
Want to know if people pleasing is running your relationships?
Ask yourself:
Do the people in your life know the real you?
Or do they know the version of you that:
Never complains
Always accommodates
Rarely asks for anything
Makes everything easy
Do they know you're struggling? Or do you hide it because you don't want to be a burden?
Do they know what you need? Or do you wait for them to guess (and then resent them when they don't)?
Would they still want you if you were messy, difficult, needy, honest?
If the answer is "I don't know", that's your sign.
What People Pleasing Is Really Costing You
Let's be brutally honest about what this pattern is stealing from you:
Authentic relationships (because nobody knows the real you)
Self-trust (you can't trust yourself when you don't know what you want)
Energy (constantly managing everyone else is exhausting)
Resentment (giving without receiving builds bitterness)
Your identity (you've become a collection of other people's preferences)
Peace (you're always on alert, scanning for disapproval)
And here's the kicker:
The people you're trying so hard to please? Most of them aren't even thinking about you as much as you think they are.
You're exhausting yourself over hypothetical disappointment that often never comes.
Permission Slip
You don't owe anyone:
An explanation for your no
Constant availability
Your mental/emotional labour
Compliance with their expectations
Performance of happiness when you're not happy
Silence about your needs
You're allowed to take up space.
You're allowed to be inconvenient.
You're allowed to disappoint people.
You're allowed to exist without earning it.
I know that feels terrifying. That's the trauma talking.
But the truth is, the people who genuinely care about you don't want you to perform for them. They want to know you. The real, messy, honest, complicated you.
And the people who only want the easy, agreeable, accommodating version? They were never really loving YOU anyway. They were loving what you did for them.
That's not love. That's transaction.
The Work: Moving From Fawn to Authentic
Healing people-pleasing isn't about becoming selfish or difficult. It's about moving from automatic compliance to conscious choice.
It's learning to ask:
What do I actually want here?
What feels true for me?
Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I'm afraid to say no?
Is this my responsibility or am I taking on someone else's?
Therapies like IEMT and hypnotherapy are particularly powerful here because they work directly with your nervous system and subconscious patterns, not just your conscious mind.
Because here's the truth: you can't think your way out of a nervous system response. You have to retrain your body to understand that safety doesn't require constant accommodation anymore.
Final Thought
People pleasing isn't kindness. It's self-abandonment disguised as generosity.
Real kindness? That includes yourself.
Real boundaries? Those keep everyone safe, not just other people.
Real relationships? Those can handle your honesty, your needs, your nos.
You spent years making yourself smaller to keep others comfortable.
What if you stopped?
What if you let people experience their own discomfort without rushing to fix it?
What if you trusted that the people worth keeping will stay even when you're not performing?
What if you finally, finally let yourself be known?
That's the work. And it's worth it.
💬 If this resonated, you're not alone. And if you're ready to move from fawn to freedom, let's talk. Book a free 15-minute consultation and let's explore what healing actually looks like for you.
